Casey Neistat and everything else:

I hope I'm more than the sum total of my parts but I know it's possible to be less and it has been months since the last time and all I really wanted was a pizza hot pocket and every time I see cheetahs by my house or stripes on a car I can't help but think of you. (It doesn't happen a lot because there are exactly zero cheetahs by my house.) All I want to do is watch Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to find it online and I don't have $52 to spend on a VHS. I've been listening to Ellie Goulding's 'Dead in the Water' for four days now. (Makes me wonder what Halcyon Days are?) (Also sometimes I forget to breathe when I listen to it.) Last week it was 'Great Indoors' from JM, so there's that. I was on the back of his bike today and there is just something about the wind cutting through your jeans, especially on your shins, and the speed forcing you to lean forward and the fact that you'll never have to wear a seat belt.

PS. He likes riding on a bike, too. You can just tell. 

XXROTHKO

Everytime I laugh I get heartburn. (Really, though.)

I've been running around this track for miles because I was told it would help and because I'm supposed to train my body and stretch my muscles and I've learned to force my mind to think and there is no part of my body that is independent- and yet my heart still decides to do things uncontrollably and if I got any closer it would have beat out of my chest. They told me that's why hearts were put in cages but it still doesn't make sense to me why bones are only held by skin and the skin goes where the brain tells it AND THE HEART IS SCREAMING AND THE HEAD IS YELLING;

and the bones are moaning (like they have any idea what to do) and the phrase 'internal war' has taken on a whole new meaning.

Maybe I should follow my skin. 

XX 

(I didn't want to be your ghost.)

The Monday before the Last Day was the first time I cried about her. I was in the corner of my room. It was also the first time I wished the wood floor was carpet.

I remember that weekend. October. My dad had just bought a new car and my family was all outside, barefoot, walking around it.

My mom made breakfast that morning. I didn't ever like pancakes.



He held her hand as she died.

I talked to him that night and it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. And I would try and describe it to you but there are no words that explain how wet my shirt was or how red our eyes were or how broken a heart could get. It's the kind of sad that turns crying into broken sobs- like you'll never get enough air.

And it's all about air and air comes in pairs unless it's the first or the last-

and she deserved more pairs then she got.


XX

Saturday, March 15th

Remember when Matthew McConaughey gave that speech at the Academy for best actor and he kept talking about the fact that he is his own hero? I don't think I'll ever get over that. (Maybe thats what KILL YOUR HEROS means?) The third book where it says "I suppose a fire that burns that bright is not meant to last" OH THAT WILL GET ME EVERY SINGLE TIME. Oh and I can't wait for everything because it is all. coming. up. Do I want fog or light sage? My mother accidentally ordered a pizza with no cheese on it last night so you really can't win every time, can you?  I wish, sometimes desperately, to have some of your talents. There is just something about him that people don't get over and I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS. Too bad you can't bottle personality like you can bottle perfume. My dad was in a strange mood yesterday and I wish he could have told me why but that just isn't like us. Most of the time I feel bad for him because She is crazy. I didn't yesterday, though. Mostly I'm thinking about You and I'm thinking A  LOT about senior prom and how do people make it into their thirties because that is so. far. away. and how do you have kids and grow old and do people ACTUALLY LOVE EACH OTHER WHEN THEY AREN'T BEAUTIFUL ANYMORE? But I also figure there has to be a boy somewhere who also has a clinical ability to lose things just like I do and probably we'll have the same sense of humor. Maybe he'll go to  Coachella with me, too. Maybe he has it all figured out. But if we're the same person I know he doesn't. One time in church we went around the room and everyone had to say what they wanted to be when they grew up and the second person to go said they wanted to be a nurse for alzheimer and dementia patients and at first I was mad because she is a junior and has an idea of what she wants but then I thought WHO WOULD WANT THAT JOB. I also heard someone in the same class say they wanted to go to BYU's Med school and that was equally sad and hilarious. Maybe I'm just rude. Sorry. My cousin is in second grade. I saw her math homework and the way they grade stuff now is if you can explain how you got your answer; you're right.

I hate it.

XX
Rothko

Letter to A:

I saw Endless Love this morning, and I don't care that it has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes and I don't care that they used every plot line ever; (Cancer, car crashes, affairs, jail time, death, a restraining order, and house fires); I'm still going to buy it on DVD. And even though there are a lot of people that I like and I haven't talked to you in months you're still the person I thought of.

I know I can't parallel our love to theirs- because that is a movie and this is real life and in reality you're 17 hours and 45 minutes in an airplane away from me. But you still carry me around with you in your pocket and I still look for you in crowds, (which is ridiculous because obviously that isn't you) and I still don't know what you wrote on the back of the fifth page, because it isn't in English.

Maybe those words aren't enough. Maybe you're trying to find a way to say all the things I can't. But I can't seem to find anything that will translate them for me, which is probably good in case they don't say what I want them to.



Or maybe there are other things we have to find before we find each other.

XX
Rothko

13:

Its building under my skin on my cheeks and it is literally welling in my eyes and I don't know what to do because now I'm crying.

and I'm scared.

Because there isn't enough in my bank account to cover the costs.
Because I feel entirely alone, and that scares me. Especially because they say they're 'there'; but they aren't.
Because the one person I want to talk to is 100% unavalible.
I'm scared of telling you how I really feel about you now because I want you to want me; but at the same time I am afraid of dying without the people I love knowing just how much I love them. I could start now, but I know I won't.
The thing is that you can't just tell people you love them.

I'm scared of never being loved back.
I'm scared that when I do get loved back I won't love them. And I couldn't be a wife because I'm bad with kids because I haven't been around them. Because I can't iron a shirt. Because I don't like waking up and every time I bake cookies I burn them, and you don't deserve burnt cookies.

I'm scared because I somedays hate my mother and today was one of those days. I'm scared because I'm having so much anxiety it is giving me vertigo and I can't eat. I'm scared of begin black-listed by my Granddad because it has happened twice before. I'm scared because I want to kiss you but I know that would ruin things, so I won't. I'm afraid that my friends lie to me. I know they do; it just scares me because I don't know why they do that.

and Right Now; I'm scared that my heartbeat will never be regular again and I'm even more worried because my parents aren't, and maybe I'll never catch my breath, and I'm scared that I will never sleep because I will
always,
always,
always be thinking.

OO
Rothko

Thought you should know;

When I was younger I told everyone that I was half Irish and half human. 

So

XX 

R