Letter to A:

I saw Endless Love this morning, and I don't care that it has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes and I don't care that they used every plot line ever; (Cancer, car crashes, affairs, jail time, death, a restraining order, and house fires); I'm still going to buy it on DVD. And even though there are a lot of people that I like and I haven't talked to you in months you're still the person I thought of.

I know I can't parallel our love to theirs- because that is a movie and this is real life and in reality you're 17 hours and 45 minutes in an airplane away from me. But you still carry me around with you in your pocket and I still look for you in crowds, (which is ridiculous because obviously that isn't you) and I still don't know what you wrote on the back of the fifth page, because it isn't in English.

Maybe those words aren't enough. Maybe you're trying to find a way to say all the things I can't. But I can't seem to find anything that will translate them for me, which is probably good in case they don't say what I want them to.



Or maybe there are other things we have to find before we find each other.

XX
Rothko

13:

Its building under my skin on my cheeks and it is literally welling in my eyes and I don't know what to do because now I'm crying.

and I'm scared.

Because there isn't enough in my bank account to cover the costs.
Because I feel entirely alone, and that scares me. Especially because they say they're 'there'; but they aren't.
Because the one person I want to talk to is 100% unavalible.
I'm scared of telling you how I really feel about you now because I want you to want me; but at the same time I am afraid of dying without the people I love knowing just how much I love them. I could start now, but I know I won't.
The thing is that you can't just tell people you love them.

I'm scared of never being loved back.
I'm scared that when I do get loved back I won't love them. And I couldn't be a wife because I'm bad with kids because I haven't been around them. Because I can't iron a shirt. Because I don't like waking up and every time I bake cookies I burn them, and you don't deserve burnt cookies.

I'm scared because I somedays hate my mother and today was one of those days. I'm scared because I'm having so much anxiety it is giving me vertigo and I can't eat. I'm scared of begin black-listed by my Granddad because it has happened twice before. I'm scared because I want to kiss you but I know that would ruin things, so I won't. I'm afraid that my friends lie to me. I know they do; it just scares me because I don't know why they do that.

and Right Now; I'm scared that my heartbeat will never be regular again and I'm even more worried because my parents aren't, and maybe I'll never catch my breath, and I'm scared that I will never sleep because I will
always,
always,
always be thinking.

OO
Rothko

Thought you should know;

When I was younger I told everyone that I was half Irish and half human. 

So

XX 

R

CONCRETE Jungle (of things that have my heart.)

• Carmines (44th and 200)
• The boy with the hair the color of honey 
• Brown sugar
• Real mail & ugly stamps
• Waffles and Dinges (travels)
• 347 Madison Ave.
• Peppermint Chapstick
• Blue pens
• The second floor of the MoMA (53rd and 11)
• (Yellow Diamond) Versace
• Geodes 
• 757 5th Ave. 
• The smell of coffee
• Moleskin notebooks
• Urbanear headphones
• Camp socks
• 66 5th Ave.
• Tony Caputos 

XX

R