Sunday, July 12, 2015

Be the one.

For months, I've been think a lot about becoming something. It sounds dumb, but I think about it all the time. I worry that I won't become the person I want to; but also that I might not ever decide what that person is in the first place. Unlike many people that I know, I'm scared that I will end up like my mother. My mother is funny and creative and stubborn, but I'm scared to become her because she yelled too much when I was young, and she stopped creating things, other than vegan desserts, years ago.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Unrelated question: Am I a 'hater'?

There is this old ad; I can’t even remember what it’s for. There is a sepia-toned photo of a couple in the 60’s, and the heading says “unconsciously declaring you alive”. And honestly I’m not sure that the picture and the saying even go together, (This is bad advertising. That isn’t even a full sentence and it doesn’t correlate. Whatever.), but I think about it all the time. Parts of you unconsciously declare parts of me alive. 

I love it. I hate it.

We had just come back from the basketball game, and you were leaving my apartment. You were about half way down the hall when I caught up to you, because you’d forgotten your ring. I had it on because I love the feel of it on my thumb, but I also love how it looks on you. You leaned down and kissed me. I was wearing a ratty old t-shirt that you love, and you had on a black and grey flannel. It was quick.  Like something we do everyday.  You smelled like your moms laundry soap. And then you left to go home and I went back to my roommates.

That moment in the hall is what I was thinking about, that was all I was thinking about; when we were sitting on opposite sides of the dining room table, and I realized that we weren’t entirely friends anymore, and how that’s probably okay. But I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment and why missing you would also just be the worst.

It was the beginning of January, and “I hate your super negative attitude on us right now” was extremely upsetting to hear, considering there wasn’t exactly an “us” anymore, and I didn’t really want to be reminded of that.

I called you an ass the other day. Granted, I still feel like it was generally called-for. But I do also recognize that we need to treat each other better than we currently do. I love who I am 50% of the time when I am with you, but I’m also super unsure about the other 50%, and that scares me.

Nighthawks, by Edward Hopper. That painting reminds me of you.

I can think of specific eras in my life where I can actually pinpoint where I’ve changed. Like when I found John Mayer, or when I realized I could dress however I wanted, or when I discovered Amedeo Modigliani and his painting of the woman in the blue scarf. That painting shows that woman better than any photograph could. I think I have such a hard time describing a specific moment of impact with you, because you are tied into all of those other moments in some way or another. I hear “This is Gospel” by Panic! At the Disco, and I think of you, and I think of how annoyed I get when my friends think that they heard it from you first. I pop my clutch and I think of your car, black beauty (I hate that name), and I think of black beauty and I think of the grey-haired girl and I hate her too (because you like her.) And even though I think I’ll always be internally conflicted about you, it’s okay because I think I’ve figured more out about motives.
Let me explain: I had different motives when you weren't single, to when you broke up with your girlfriend. And I have different motives today than I did two weeks ago. I keep thinking about this talk I read and the title was “what if love was our only motive?” and that sentence radiates in my head, I think that if I hadn’t been so focused on other things, we’d probably be in a different situation right about now.

Also though, sometimes your motivation has to be self-interest. And it was around the ‘Mikey-Era-of-Modigliani’, where I realized that I was more passionate about the painting of the woman in the blue scarf than I was about working at our relationship and I finally had come to two conclusions: I realized that A. I need good people. I need people who want to be my people. But also, that B: Love should be the motive.


PS. Read this: It is aesthetically beautiful and equally genius.           
PPS. Another unrelated topic: someone told me I talk so fast that they thought I was from the East. is this a real thing? Asking for a friend.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Small text bc that is how I feel.

I've always imagined that I would grow up and end up with a boy who knew who he was as much as I do and I always thought that when you got to college your face would match your age and that you would figure out how to not cut your hands when chopping vegetables and that things would fall perfectly into place. And we all thought that college would be a whole lot less listening to Fergie than it was, and I became more of a Person that I expected, and I didn't change the way I write bc obviously I'm still a fan of run-on sentences and can only write about boys. But it was last Monday and there were so many tests and i wasn't thinking about astronomy or the creation of the universe because I was thinking about how soft your lips are on mine and how I've never liked chapstick-brand chapstick before. I'm thinking about how you were the last one in my bed (not like that) and "THAT IS DEFINITELY AGAINST THE HONOR CODE". I'm thinking about YOU and I'm not thinking about the surface temperature on Venus or Saturn and why it would be such a bad idea to build a summer house there and I don't know why we're so bad at being friends but I hope that you're still around when my sister comes home.


Ps. Sometimes, I think it would be very easy to love you, too.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

11:36 thoughts:

And there has to be a boy somewhere who already is who he is supposed to be, and he's real and he isn't happy all of the time and he's passionate and he probably likes the zoo as much as I do and he will dance with me because he knows there is almost nothing that makes me more happy and I love him.


Tuesday, June 10, 2014


This is the boyfriend never took the basting stitch off his suit jacket and the corner that holds NYC and Ladure√© and pastel colors. 

This is the twitter messaging and the nap at 2pm and the little bowls from anthropology. 


This is starting conversations and forgetting which lanes turn right and how much I hate shrimp. 

This is the white dishes and the boy with the red hair and the other boy with the red hair in Japan and the other boy in Japan and the other boy that I can't have for obvious reasons. 

This is how I stalled in the middle of the road and almost accidentally threw my apple out the window. (This is the times I've been pulled over.)

This is the highschool sweethearts and the highschool dropouts and the way my skin feels on the back of motorcycles. 

This is the reasons I can't fall asleep and the people I dream about and the people I DREAM about. 

This is the money I spend on lipstick and how I hate living in suburbia and the cold feet that only get warmer with socks. 

This is how I want to go sailing. 

This is Park City and Sundance and Philadelphia and the dead cactus plant  that is dead because of me and all the boys who've said they won't marry me because I'm bad with kids. 

This is the time I ran away and the whole neighborhood followed me and the small wooden train from my dad's seventh Christmas. 

This is how much I wish I still did cheerleading even though I know it was the right choice and the smell of my favorite perfume. 

This is the other end of the phone call and the soft voices to not wake my parents up and the secret I never told you. 

This is my love for you and the explanation I don't have for myself and my hope that we will find our way back to each other eventually. 


Sunday, May 25, 2014

I made a list of 196 things that I like

  1. Mashed potatoes
  2. My rain boots
  3. Poppy by Coach
  4. Ice cream
  5. Dancing
  6. When boys zip up their hoodies and tie the strings in a bow
  7. Cold water
  8. Clean sheets
  9. Polaroid’s
  10. Chocolate milk
  11. Black jeans
  12. Moleskin notebooks
  13. Film strips from photo booths
  14. The movies
  15. Dresses
  16. Balloons especially on birthdays
  17. Postcards
  18. Garlic bread
  19. Airplanes
  20. Snow
  21. The zoo
  22. Flying
  23. Going to the aquarium
  24. Cameron Mitchell
  25. Tweed 
  26. Christmas
  27. Gingerbread men
  28. Sandwiches
  29. Napoleon (the dessert)
  30. Instagram
  31. People with red hair
  32. Things with stripes
  33. Hot yoga
  34. The little metal rocket ornament
  35. IKEA
  36. White dishes
  37. Paychecks
  38. Mondays
  39. IMDb
  40. Baths
  41. Ice Skating
  42. Storm warnings that come on the TV
  43. MAC Rebel
  44. J-Crew linen tees
  45. Red urban ears
  46. Coldplay
  47. Summer concert series (Rooftop/Twilight)
  48. Whales
  49. The Frank Sinatra Christmas Album
  50. Sharks
  51. Peter Pan (also the Peter Pan ride at disney)
  52. Guacamole
  53. The smell of maraschino cherries
  54. The Godiva cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory
  55. Motorcycles
  56. Gold dollars
  57.  Puppies
  58. When it is chilly in your room when you fall asleep
  59. White and pink Peonies
  60. C. O. Bigelow Mentha lip balm chapstick
  61. Tan lines
  62. Night Hawk by Edward Hooper
  63. When I found out the national animal of Scotland
  64. When people fave my insta pics
  65. Green lights
  66. Red lights when you need to change the song
  67. Edward Drostes twitter
  68. Cole sprouse
  70. Knock-Knock jokes
  71. Anything from Kate Spade
  72. Square Native
  73. John Mayer
  74. Ice cubes
  75. 'Pink Lady' Apples 
  76. The way rainbow sprinkles look on stuff
  77. Cynthia Rowley Band-Aids
  78. Kit Kats
  79. Risotto
  80. My union jack picture frame
  81. SLC
  82. Parmesan garlic Triscuits
  83. Fourth of July Parades
  84. Donuts, especailly Krispy Kreme
  85. Baskin Robbins
  86. Chinese food
  87. Online shopping
  88. Spectrum by Richard Phillips
  89. Free shipping
  90. Christmas tree farms
  91. American cheese
  92. Presents with bows on them
  93. Couscous
  94. Play dough (because apparently I AM seven years old)
  95. New crayons
  96. Brownies
  97. Fongs
  98. Cranberry juice
  99. Tattoos on other people
  100. Sunglasses
  101. Thermal shirts
  102. Zara jeans
  103. Kissing
  104. Tomato and Ricotta
  105. Thick mittens
  106. Stick shift cars/people who can also drive stick shift cars
  107. Big sweaters
  108. This cool flash drive that I have
  109. Rain storms
  110. Black and white things
  111. Disposable cameras
  112. Anything by Andy Warhol
  113. Lists
  114. The smell of coffee
  115. Tall buildings
  116. Cotton candy candle
  117. Things with marshmallows in them
  118. Heights
  119. Making things out of ceramic
  120. Soft hair
  121. Chips and salsa from that one resteraunt 
  122. Sticky notes
  123. Pistachio flavored things
  124. Blankets
  125. Picnics
  126. Tootsie Rolls
  127. USU pens
  128. Cactuses
  129. Museums (Especially MoMA and the Met)
  130. Mark Rothko
  131. Beyoncé
  132. Apple products (obviously)
  133. Paper tape
  134. Target
  135. Correct grammar
  136. Like, really big scarves
  137. Crew socks
  138. Balsamic glaze
  139. The Met Gala
  140. Banksy
  141. Hazelnut flavored things
  142. Brushing my teeth
  143. Paper chains that count down to stuff
  144. Watercolor paint
  145.  Little boxes
  146. Typing in ALL CAPS
  147. Fancy by Iggy
  148. The internet in general
  149. My Pinterest board
  150. My birthday (June 19)
  151. Lifestyle blogs
  152. The soundtrack from Great Gatsby
  153. Cherry limeade from Texas Roadhouse
  154. Ratatouille the movie
  155. 'Caroline' by Noah Gunderson
  156. Gossip Girl
  157. Ren from the new Footloose (Kenny Wormwald)
  158. Carmel corn
  159. Sour-Patch watermelons at the movie theater
  160. Things made out of wood
  161. Typography
  162. Flashlights
  163. Mango Hi-Chews
  164. Staying in fancy hotels
  165. Half-zip sweatshirts
  166. Broken-in tennis shoes
  167. Tying ties on people
  168. Geometric shapes
  169. Art City Donuts
  170. Libraries
  171. People that can rap
  172. Things that are gold
  173. Pinatas 
  174. Mix tape CDs
  175. Paperclips
  176. A good pair of scissors
  177. Peachios
  178. Dole whip ice cream cones
  179. Things with glitter on them
  180. Macaroni and Cheese
  181. Confetti
  182. The planetarium
  183. Snow globes
  184. Coconut snow cones with cream
  185. 500 Days of Summer
  186. The moon
  187. Chocolate pie
  188. My dream log
  189. Lions
  190. Swear words
  191. Warm bread/rolls/the like
  192. Aranciata San Pellegrino
  193. Dancing .gifs
  194. Milkshakes
  195. Concert t-shirts (Mumford, Head and the Heart, Lumineers)
  196. The Chinese New Year