Be the one.

For months, I've been think a lot about becoming something. It sounds dumb, but I think about it all the time. I worry that I won't become the person I want to; but also that I might not ever decide what that person is in the first place. Unlike many people that I know, I'm scared that I will end up like my mother. My mother is funny and creative and stubborn, but I'm scared to become her because she yelled too much when I was young, and she stopped creating things, other than vegan desserts, years ago.

XO

mikey

Unrelated question: Am I a 'hater'?

There is this old ad; I can’t even remember what it’s for. There is a sepia-toned photo of a couple in the 60’s, and the heading says “unconsciously declaring you alive”. And honestly I’m not sure that the picture and the saying even go together, (This is bad advertising. That isn’t even a full sentence and it doesn’t correlate. Whatever.), but I think about it all the time. Parts of you unconsciously declare parts of me alive. 

I love it. I hate it.

We had just come back from the basketball game, and you were leaving my apartment. You were about half way down the hall when I caught up to you, because you’d forgotten your ring. I had it on because I love the feel of it on my thumb, but I also love how it looks on you. You leaned down and kissed me. I was wearing a ratty old t-shirt that you love, and you had on a black and grey flannel. It was quick.  Like something we do everyday.  You smelled like your moms laundry soap. And then you left to go home and I went back to my roommates.

That moment in the hall is what I was thinking about, that was all I was thinking about; when we were sitting on opposite sides of the dining room table, and I realized that we weren’t entirely friends anymore, and how that’s probably okay. But I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment and why missing you would also just be the worst.

It was the beginning of January, and “I hate your super negative attitude on us right now” was extremely upsetting to hear, considering there wasn’t exactly an “us” anymore, and I didn’t really want to be reminded of that.

I called you an ass the other day. Granted, I still feel like it was generally called-for. But I do also recognize that we need to treat each other better than we currently do. I love who I am 50% of the time when I am with you, but I’m also super unsure about the other 50%, and that scares me.

Nighthawks, by Edward Hopper. That painting reminds me of you.

I can think of specific eras in my life where I can actually pinpoint where I’ve changed. Like when I found John Mayer, or when I realized I could dress however I wanted, or when I discovered Amedeo Modigliani and his painting of the woman in the blue scarf. That painting shows that woman better than any photograph could. I think I have such a hard time describing a specific moment of impact with you, because you are tied into all of those other moments in some way or another. I hear “This is Gospel” by Panic! At the Disco, and I think of you, and I think of how annoyed I get when my friends think that they heard it from you first. I pop my clutch and I think of your car, black beauty (I hate that name), and I think of black beauty and I think of the grey-haired girl and I hate her too (because you like her.) And even though I think I’ll always be internally conflicted about you, it’s okay because I think I’ve figured more out about motives.

Let me explain: I had different motives when you weren't single, to when you broke up with your girlfriend. And I have different motives today than I did two weeks ago. I keep thinking about this talk I read and the title was “what if love was our only motive?” and that sentence radiates in my head, I think that if I hadn’t been so focused on other things, we’d probably be in a different situation right about now.

Also though, sometimes your motivation has to be self-interest. And it was around the ‘Mikey-Era-of-Modigliani’, where I realized that I was more passionate about the painting of the woman in the blue scarf than I was about working at our relationship and I finally had come to two conclusions: I realized that A. I need good people. I need people who want to be my people. But also, that B: Love should be the motive.

xo

M

PS. Read this: fourtydaysofdating.com. It is aesthetically beautiful and equally genius.           
PPS. Another unrelated topic: someone told me I talk so fast that they thought I was from the East. is this a real thing? Asking for a friend.

I'm having a hard time/ why I love black and white

XXM

Small text bc that is how I feel.

I've always imagined that I would grow up and end up with a boy who knew who he was as much as I do and I always thought that when you got to college your face would match your age and that you would figure out how to not cut your hands when chopping vegetables and that things would fall perfectly into place. And we all thought that college would be a whole lot less listening to Fergie than it was, and I became more of a Person that I expected, and I didn't change the way I write bc obviously I'm still a fan of run-on sentences and can only write about boys. But it was last Monday and there were so many tests and i wasn't thinking about astronomy or the creation of the universe because I was thinking about how soft your lips are on mine and how I've never liked chapstick-brand chapstick before. I'm thinking about how you were the last one in my bed (not like that) and "THAT IS DEFINITELY AGAINST THE HONOR CODE". I'm thinking about YOU and I'm not thinking about the surface temperature on Venus or Saturn and why it would be such a bad idea to build a summer house there and I don't know why we're so bad at being friends but I hope that you're still around when my sister comes home.

XX

M

Ps. Sometimes, I think it would be very easy to love you, too.

11:36 thoughts:

And there has to be a boy somewhere who already is who he is supposed to be, and he's real and he isn't happy all of the time and he's passionate and he probably likes the zoo as much as I do and he will dance with me because he knows there is almost nothing that makes me more happy and I love him.

XR

THIS IS YOUR HEART. (My heart.)

This is the boyfriend never took the basting stitch off his suit jacket and the corner that holds NYC and Ladureé and pastel colors. 

This is the twitter messaging and the nap at 2pm and the little bowls from anthropology. 

THIS IS ALL OF THE GLITTER THAT COATED MY EYES. 

This is starting conversations and forgetting which lanes turn right and how much I hate shrimp. 

This is the white dishes and the boy with the red hair and the other boy with the red hair in Japan and the other boy in Japan and the other boy that I can't have for obvious reasons. 

This is how I stalled in the middle of the road and almost accidentally threw my apple out the window. (This is the times I've been pulled over.)

This is the highschool sweethearts and the highschool dropouts and the way my skin feels on the back of motorcycles. 

This is the reasons I can't fall asleep and the people I dream about and the people I DREAM about. 

This is the money I spend on lipstick and how I hate living in suburbia and the cold feet that only get warmer with socks. 

This is how I want to go sailing. 

This is Park City and Sundance and Philadelphia and the dead cactus plant  that is dead because of me and all the boys who've said they won't marry me because I'm bad with kids. 

This is the time I ran away and the whole neighborhood followed me and the small wooden train from my dad's seventh Christmas. 

This is how much I wish I still did cheerleading even though I know it was the right choice and the smell of my favorite perfume. 

This is the other end of the phone call and the soft voices to not wake my parents up and the secret I never told you. 

This is my love for you and the explanation I don't have for myself and my hope that we will find our way back to each other eventually. 

XR

I made a list of 196 things that I like

1. Mashed potatoes
2. My rain boots
3. Poppy by Coach
4. Ice cream
5. Dancing
6. When boys zip up their hoodies and tie the strings in a bow
7. Cold water
8. Clean sheets
9. Polaroid’s
10. Chocolate milk
11. Black jeans
12. Moleskin notebooks
13. Film strips from photo booths
14. The movies
15. Dresses
16. Balloons especially on birthdays
17. Postcards
18. Garlic bread
19. Airplanes
20. Snow
21. The zoo
22. Flying
23. Going to the aquarium
24. Cameron Mitchell
25. Tweed 
26. Christmas
27. Gingerbread men
28. Sandwiches
29. Napoleon (the dessert)
30. Instagram
31. People with red hair
32. Things with stripes
33. Hot yoga
34. The little metal rocket ornament
35. IKEA
36. White dishes
37. Paychecks
38. Mondays
39. IMDb
40. Baths
41. Ice Skating
42. Storm warnings that come on the TV
43. MAC Rebel
44. J-Crew linen tees
45. Red urban ears
46. Coldplay
47. Summer concert series (Rooftop/Twilight)
48. Whales
49. The Frank Sinatra Christmas Album
50. Sharks
51. Peter Pan (also the Peter Pan ride at disney)
52. Guacamole
53. The smell of maraschino cherries
54. The Godiva cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory
55. Motorcycles
56. Gold dollars
57.  Puppies
58. When it is chilly in your room when you fall asleep
59. White and pink Peonies
60. C. O. Bigelow Mentha lip balm chapstick
61. Tan lines
62. Night Hawk by Edward Hooper
63. When I found out the national animal of Scotland
64. When people fave my insta pics
65. Green lights
66. Red lights when you need to change the song
67. Edward Drostes twitter
68. Cole sprouse
69. Eelslap.com
70. Knock-Knock jokes
71. Anything from Kate Spade
72. Square Native
73. John Mayer
74. Ice cubes
75. 'Pink Lady' Apples 
76. The way rainbow sprinkles look on stuff
77. Cynthia Rowley Band-Aids
78. Kit Kats
79. Risotto
80. My union jack picture frame
81. SLC
82. Parmesan garlic Triscuits
83. Fourth of July Parades
84. Donuts, especailly Krispy Kreme
85. Baskin Robbins
86. Chinese food
87. Online shopping
88. Spectrum by Richard Phillips
89. Free shipping
90. Christmas tree farms
91. American cheese
92. Presents with bows on them
93. Couscous
94. Play dough (because apparently I AM seven years old)
95. New crayons
96. Brownies
97. Fongs
98. Cranberry juice
99. Tattoos on other people
100. Sunglasses
101. Thermal shirts
102. Zara jeans
103. Kissing
104. Tomato and Ricotta
105. Thick mittens
106. Stick shift cars/people who can also drive stick shift cars
107. Big sweaters
108. This cool flash drive that I have
109. Rain storms
110. Black and white things
111. Disposable cameras
112. Anything by Andy Warhol
113. Lists
114. The smell of coffee
115. Tall buildings
116. Cotton candy candle
117. Things with marshmallows in them
118. Heights
119. Making things out of ceramic
120. Soft hair
121. Chips and salsa from that one resteraunt 
122. Sticky notes
123. Pistachio flavored things
124. Blankets
125. Picnics
126. Tootsie Rolls
127. USU pens
128. Cactuses
129. Museums (Especially MoMA and the Met)
130. Mark Rothko
131. Beyoncé
132. Apple products (obviously)
133. Paper tape
134. Target
135. Correct grammar
136. Like, really big scarves
137. Crew socks
138. Balsamic glaze
139. The Met Gala
140. Banksy
141. Hazelnut flavored things
142. Brushing my teeth
143. Paper chains that count down to stuff
144. Watercolor paint
145.  Little boxes
146. Typing in ALL CAPS
147. Fancy by Iggy
148. The internet in general
149. My Pinterest board
150. My birthday (June 19)
151. Lifestyle blogs
152. The soundtrack from Great Gatsby
153. Cherry limeade from Texas Roadhouse
154. Ratatouille the movie
155. 'Caroline' by Noah Gunderson
156. Gossip Girl
157. Ren from the new Footloose (Kenny Wormwald)
158. Carmel corn
159. Sour-Patch watermelons at the movie theater
160. Things made out of wood
161. Typography
162. Flashlights
163. Mango Hi-Chews
164. Staying in fancy hotels
165. Half-zip sweatshirts
166. Broken-in tennis shoes
167. Tying ties on people
168. Geometric shapes
169. Art City Donuts
170. Libraries
171. People that can rap
172. Things that are gold
173. Pinatas 
174. Mix tape CDs
175. Paperclips
176. A good pair of scissors
177. Peachios
178. Dole whip ice cream cones
179. Things with glitter on them
180. Macaroni and Cheese
181. Confetti
182. The planetarium
183. Snow globes
184. Coconut snow cones with cream
185. 500 Days of Summer
186. The moon
187. Chocolate pie
188. My dream log
189. Lions
190. Swear words
191. Warm bread/rolls/the like
192. Aranciata San Pellegrino
193. Dancing .gifs
194. Milkshakes
195. Concert t-shirts (Mumford, Head and the Heart, Lumineers)
196. The Chinese New Year

xxrothko