Its building under my skin on my cheeks and it is literally welling in my eyes and I don't know what to do because now I'm crying.
and I'm scared.
Because there isn't enough in my bank account to cover the costs.
Because I feel entirely alone, and that scares me. Especially because they say they're 'there'; but they aren't.
Because the one person I want to talk to is 100% unavalible.
I'm scared of telling you how I really feel about you now because I want you to want me; but at the same time I am afraid of dying without the people I love knowing just how much I love them. I could start now, but I know I won't.
The thing is that you can't just tell people you love them.
I'm scared of never being loved back.
I'm scared that when I do get loved back I won't love them. And I couldn't be a wife because I'm bad with kids because I haven't been around them. Because I can't iron a shirt. Because I don't like waking up and every time I bake cookies I burn them, and you don't deserve burnt cookies.
I'm scared because I somedays hate my mother and today was one of those days. I'm scared because I'm having so much anxiety it is giving me vertigo and I can't eat. I'm scared of begin black-listed by my Granddad because it has happened twice before. I'm scared because I want to kiss you but I know that would ruin things, so I won't. I'm afraid that my friends lie to me. I know they do; it just scares me because I don't know why they do that.
and Right Now; I'm scared that my heartbeat will never be regular again and I'm even more worried because my parents aren't, and maybe I'll never catch my breath, and I'm scared that I will never sleep because I will
always,
always,
always be thinking.
OO
Rothko
I've been feeling this exact same way lately, and Jackie O gave some great advice that might help you too. "Sometimes its ok to not be ok" It sucks that we have to feel this way but know that things get better. I know you've probably are sick of hearing that...and i am too...
ReplyDelete"The thing is that you can't just tell people you love them." So simple yet so poetic. and the anxiety and eating and vertigo, makes me feel not so alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what I could say to make you feel better, nothing probably. But if it's any consolation this post is the best thing I've read in weeks.
ReplyDeleteI like you. and I like your writing and you inspired me and I want to be as cool as you.
ReplyDeleteThere's something about Right Now being capitalized.
ReplyDelete"and maybe I'll never catch my breath,"
You're really, really good at this whole thing.
"And I couldn't be a wife because I'm bad with kids because I haven't been around them. Because I can't iron a shirt. Because I don't like waking up and every time I bake cookies I burn them, and you don't deserve burnt cookies."
ReplyDeleteI like this part. Because I feel the same way, and yet my dream is to be the best mom out there...