THIS IS YOUR HEART. (My heart.)

This is the boyfriend never took the basting stitch off his suit jacket and the corner that holds NYC and Ladureé and pastel colors. 

This is the twitter messaging and the nap at 2pm and the little bowls from anthropology. 

THIS IS ALL OF THE GLITTER THAT COATED MY EYES. 

This is starting conversations and forgetting which lanes turn right and how much I hate shrimp. 

This is the white dishes and the boy with the red hair and the other boy with the red hair in Japan and the other boy in Japan and the other boy that I can't have for obvious reasons. 

This is how I stalled in the middle of the road and almost accidentally threw my apple out the window. (This is the times I've been pulled over.)

This is the highschool sweethearts and the highschool dropouts and the way my skin feels on the back of motorcycles. 

This is the reasons I can't fall asleep and the people I dream about and the people I DREAM about. 

This is the money I spend on lipstick and how I hate living in suburbia and the cold feet that only get warmer with socks. 

This is how I want to go sailing. 

This is Park City and Sundance and Philadelphia and the dead cactus plant  that is dead because of me and all the boys who've said they won't marry me because I'm bad with kids. 

This is the time I ran away and the whole neighborhood followed me and the small wooden train from my dad's seventh Christmas. 

This is how much I wish I still did cheerleading even though I know it was the right choice and the smell of my favorite perfume. 

This is the other end of the phone call and the soft voices to not wake my parents up and the secret I never told you. 

This is my love for you and the explanation I don't have for myself and my hope that we will find our way back to each other eventually. 

XR

I made a list of 196 things that I like

1. Mashed potatoes
2. My rain boots
3. Poppy by Coach
4. Ice cream
5. Dancing
6. When boys zip up their hoodies and tie the strings in a bow
7. Cold water
8. Clean sheets
9. Polaroid’s
10. Chocolate milk
11. Black jeans
12. Moleskin notebooks
13. Film strips from photo booths
14. The movies
15. Dresses
16. Balloons especially on birthdays
17. Postcards
18. Garlic bread
19. Airplanes
20. Snow
21. The zoo
22. Flying
23. Going to the aquarium
24. Cameron Mitchell
25. Tweed 
26. Christmas
27. Gingerbread men
28. Sandwiches
29. Napoleon (the dessert)
30. Instagram
31. People with red hair
32. Things with stripes
33. Hot yoga
34. The little metal rocket ornament
35. IKEA
36. White dishes
37. Paychecks
38. Mondays
39. IMDb
40. Baths
41. Ice Skating
42. Storm warnings that come on the TV
43. MAC Rebel
44. J-Crew linen tees
45. Red urban ears
46. Coldplay
47. Summer concert series (Rooftop/Twilight)
48. Whales
49. The Frank Sinatra Christmas Album
50. Sharks
51. Peter Pan (also the Peter Pan ride at disney)
52. Guacamole
53. The smell of maraschino cherries
54. The Godiva cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory
55. Motorcycles
56. Gold dollars
57.  Puppies
58. When it is chilly in your room when you fall asleep
59. White and pink Peonies
60. C. O. Bigelow Mentha lip balm chapstick
61. Tan lines
62. Night Hawk by Edward Hooper
63. When I found out the national animal of Scotland
64. When people fave my insta pics
65. Green lights
66. Red lights when you need to change the song
67. Edward Drostes twitter
68. Cole sprouse
69. Eelslap.com
70. Knock-Knock jokes
71. Anything from Kate Spade
72. Square Native
73. John Mayer
74. Ice cubes
75. 'Pink Lady' Apples 
76. The way rainbow sprinkles look on stuff
77. Cynthia Rowley Band-Aids
78. Kit Kats
79. Risotto
80. My union jack picture frame
81. SLC
82. Parmesan garlic Triscuits
83. Fourth of July Parades
84. Donuts, especailly Krispy Kreme
85. Baskin Robbins
86. Chinese food
87. Online shopping
88. Spectrum by Richard Phillips
89. Free shipping
90. Christmas tree farms
91. American cheese
92. Presents with bows on them
93. Couscous
94. Play dough (because apparently I AM seven years old)
95. New crayons
96. Brownies
97. Fongs
98. Cranberry juice
99. Tattoos on other people
100. Sunglasses
101. Thermal shirts
102. Zara jeans
103. Kissing
104. Tomato and Ricotta
105. Thick mittens
106. Stick shift cars/people who can also drive stick shift cars
107. Big sweaters
108. This cool flash drive that I have
109. Rain storms
110. Black and white things
111. Disposable cameras
112. Anything by Andy Warhol
113. Lists
114. The smell of coffee
115. Tall buildings
116. Cotton candy candle
117. Things with marshmallows in them
118. Heights
119. Making things out of ceramic
120. Soft hair
121. Chips and salsa from that one resteraunt 
122. Sticky notes
123. Pistachio flavored things
124. Blankets
125. Picnics
126. Tootsie Rolls
127. USU pens
128. Cactuses
129. Museums (Especially MoMA and the Met)
130. Mark Rothko
131. Beyoncé
132. Apple products (obviously)
133. Paper tape
134. Target
135. Correct grammar
136. Like, really big scarves
137. Crew socks
138. Balsamic glaze
139. The Met Gala
140. Banksy
141. Hazelnut flavored things
142. Brushing my teeth
143. Paper chains that count down to stuff
144. Watercolor paint
145.  Little boxes
146. Typing in ALL CAPS
147. Fancy by Iggy
148. The internet in general
149. My Pinterest board
150. My birthday (June 19)
151. Lifestyle blogs
152. The soundtrack from Great Gatsby
153. Cherry limeade from Texas Roadhouse
154. Ratatouille the movie
155. 'Caroline' by Noah Gunderson
156. Gossip Girl
157. Ren from the new Footloose (Kenny Wormwald)
158. Carmel corn
159. Sour-Patch watermelons at the movie theater
160. Things made out of wood
161. Typography
162. Flashlights
163. Mango Hi-Chews
164. Staying in fancy hotels
165. Half-zip sweatshirts
166. Broken-in tennis shoes
167. Tying ties on people
168. Geometric shapes
169. Art City Donuts
170. Libraries
171. People that can rap
172. Things that are gold
173. Pinatas 
174. Mix tape CDs
175. Paperclips
176. A good pair of scissors
177. Peachios
178. Dole whip ice cream cones
179. Things with glitter on them
180. Macaroni and Cheese
181. Confetti
182. The planetarium
183. Snow globes
184. Coconut snow cones with cream
185. 500 Days of Summer
186. The moon
187. Chocolate pie
188. My dream log
189. Lions
190. Swear words
191. Warm bread/rolls/the like
192. Aranciata San Pellegrino
193. Dancing .gifs
194. Milkshakes
195. Concert t-shirts (Mumford, Head and the Heart, Lumineers)
196. The Chinese New Year

xxrothko

PUT MY NAME IN BOLD/things I've been thinking about

 XR

FIRST THINGS FIRST I'M THE REALEST

Real talk is that I have listened to Fancy twelve hundred times over the weekend and I am not sick of it yet. Also I feel like I just got hit by a train and I wish that I didn't have to take my dads car to go get washed tomorrow because I think it will ruin Our plans. It was nice of him to let me borrow it, though. Also real is that my room is  a disaster and all of my clothes are dirty and this weekend was a MARATHON OF MY LIFE and also on friday I did about a thousand calf raises to keep myself awake and I woke up in the middle of the night to the Charlie-Horse from Hell. So everything DOES ACTUALLY come with a consequence. I did find though that the Aaron Carter Pandora is the Greatest Ever. (Currently playing Shaggy). But if you want to know things that are Real-Real, lets talk about how my parents held hands at church or how I got to see my sister AND hear her, or how Cynthia Rowley designed (the bandaid I am currently wearing) but more importantly, a wet-suit so YES IT IS POSSIBLE TO LOOK FAB WHILE WATERSKIING. (I'd say surfing but those surfers have their own thing going for them.)  (Pandora Update: Backstreet Boys). Also I adopted some cute baby cactus plants and I think I killed them so if that isn't a metaphor of my life, I don't know what is.

xxroth
ko

l’eau d’issey pour homme

Over Christmas break all you wanted to do was go fishing, but the closest we could get was the fish tank at Cabbalas, and I remember you knew what all the fish were without looking at the signs. Also you had to run up all the stairs and by the time I found you, you were holding a BB gun with a raccoon hat on your head and I swear in that moment you were five years old again.

We had Fongs take-out the that night, and I remember trying to show you how to use chopsticks. We were downstairs in your room, I was sitting in your favorite chair and you were making bad jokes. 

I remember jumping on the couch after you told me not to and I also remember the ten stitches I got in my forehead. (You were right.)

 

It was August when were in your car, just driving, and I was singing to King Charles and you were laughing at me because the convertible and the freeway never went good together.  I still have the list on my phone called 'summerfest 2013' and it contains mostly unwatched movies and crappy Netflix documentaries that I love. (Especially 'Exit through the Gift Shop')

I remember my dog eating the insoles of your friends shoes. So. 

Earlier in the summer you made me this little blue piñata for my birthday, and it was so small that it was actually impossible to break open. But you filled it with confetti, so it's forgivable. Also the fish we bought, and he was really cute until he was dead.

And we were in your kitchen and the radio was on and you asked me to dance and I stepped on your toes more than twice and I remember you telling me how much you loved Van Morrison and I slipped in the Forgotten Puddle of Water we both fell over and there will never be anything as funny.

XXXXXXXXXRothko

This is for You. (But don't read it.)

This is for the New York socialite I envy and for the alarm clock across the street that we can see from your second story apartment. 

This is for the Mormon boys not on missions and for the boys who love someone else. 

(This is for you because even though I want to want you because you're beautiful, I don't.)

This is for me because I'm an Anxious Mess. 

THIS IS FOR MILES TELLER AND THE POPCORN AND TINA FEYS 'BOSSYPANTS'. 

This is for you: singular. This is for the twenty-sixth of April. This is for you because I'm thinking about you like hands think about holding and prison cells think about holding and moms think about folding and how the folds in my shirt think about the iron and how I don't think about ironing at all. 

This is for you because it was 3:20 am on Provo main and I was listening to The Smiths. This is for you because dying by your side is actually a heavenly way to die. (This is for your right eye. You know why. Also sorry.)

Because it was 3:20 and there was no traffic and I still think despite your flaws I won't ever be enough for you and I'm not even sure we are the same religion and that is important to me. 

This is for you because I was counting the stars like the ways we could be together and I couldn't help but think if those stars could somehow align for us there has to be some way for one of my 95 shades to match any one of yours. 

XXR

An epilogue:

(A day before that little crack to the head, with 6.4 seconds left, those seeing-eyes took the opener, adding: "I'm not going to cry about it.")

XX

Rothko